Swap this.

Something to Smile About.

Somehow, after all of that, the year is almost over. And as much as I want to despair and revel in the fact that not much has changed and I am still just going through the motions, that simply cannot be true. No. This has been a year of change. Some of it subtle, some glaringly obvious. It has been a year of thought and inner excavation and while a lot of changes have not yet happened, they are in motion. I can feel it. I can feel that I will no longer be okay just thinking about all of the things that would be fun to do, but just don't make sense. I can feel that maybe the most logical decision isn't the best. And I can feel that maybe it is time to just have some fun and let go. Maybe it is okay that a decision I make right now won't be the right one in the future. Because when I get to the future and discover that I will have a chance to make another decision to change courses all over again. So enjoy the moment. Worry a little less. Smile a little more. And take a chance. And then another. What else is there?

World Spins Madly On.

Woke up and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. I thought of you and where you'd gone, and let the world spin madly on. Everything that I said I'd do, like make the world brand new, and take the time for you. I just got lost and slept right through the dawn, and the world spins madly on. I let the day go by. I always say goodbye. I watch the stars from my window sill. The whole world is moving and I'm standing still. Woke up and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. The night is here and the day is gone, and the world spins madly on. I thought of you and where you'd gone, and the world spins madly on.

A reminder.

looking forward to looking back.

at some point, i stopped living my life based upon how i felt
and started living it on a schedule
i'm not sure when it happened.
and i can't remember the last time i did something just because
i felt like it.

and now i am trying to fight my way back
into my own conciousness.
to question how i feel about things
and ask the why's and the how's and the where's
and then do what i feel.

not because it is the way to save money
or the way to save time
or what i should be doing
or what makes the most sense
but because i can.

Orange Friday.

Don't call me trash.

Thursday Brown....

Because things aren't always what they seem.

Green, green...

Is the sweetest color I've ever seen.

Red, White and BLUE

Happy 4th of July!

Yellow again.

Yellow in their purity. Yellow in how they reach up towards the sky thirsting for the sun. Yellow in how they make me feel when i sit on the sidewalk and gaze into their eyes.

The first week of this project was about opening my eyes. The second week is about opening my mind. Time to start getting a little creative in the world of color. More to come...

True Love.

Comfort.

Mugs have always signified comfort to me and comfort combined with these vibrant orange colors equals a complete feeling of WARMTH regardless of what it is filled with.

Thursday Brown and White.

I drive past this ad every day on my way home from work and have always loved it. I'm so glad that this project finally made me take the time to pullover and capture it. Nothing like an old-timey ad for some old-timey root beer. Yum.

Blues.

Because sometimes all you need to do is look up to know that it will all be okay.

Yellow Monday.

This morning I quickly realized that the color of the day picture project isn't really about the picture at all. It is about opening your eyes to every detail of that color and every element that you previously blended into the scenery. Today was about big, beautiful sunflowers, yellow graffitti, yellow walls, dandelions, magnolias and lemons. All of it felt very much like summer shining all around me.

COLOR.

I have been in need of a little beauty as of late. A reminder of all of the beautiful colors out there just waiting to be explored and enjoyed. And so next week, as a little kick in the pants, I am going to take part in the color challenge.

"Each day focus on one color when taking photos. Show one photo, several or a collage... a color a day, which is a fun idea. Here it is:

monday-yellows
tuesday-blues, turquoises
wednesday-greens
thursday-whites or browns or blacks
friday-oranges
saturday-reds or purples or pinks"

So go out and find some color and breathe it in deeply and then capture it.

The Lesson.

"The lesson being, head in the direction you are drawn to, even if you think it's impossible or you don't know how you will manage. Once you make the decision completely to do something the universe will jump in to help you out. I wrote a couple of weeks ago that I had been asking the universe for signs and not receiving any. We just had to sit tight, today the signs could not be any bigger or clearer. The universe is yelling."

Thank you Keri for reminding me.

The movies, the tv and the billboards
Are all telling me that there is a better life out there
That with a little more money, a little more beauty
And a carefree attitude of caring
About what everyone else thinks
It can be all smiles and laughs
And risks that never go wrong.

I am good at my job,
But just can’t figure out if my job is good at me.
And so the days pass and the sun rises and sets
And it all just stays the same and there is no wonder
Of what the day will hold or how it will turn out
Just a prediction of monotony
That comes true every day.

But the changes are calculated and the doubts are deferred.
Because who knows if it is my heart or my head
Or just the confusion of me versus the media
Or me versus me where there can only be a tie
And the battle wages on.

And so my mind lets go and wanders into the void
And my body operates on auto pilot
And no one knows any different, or senses the loss
Except that small little voice deep down inside
Who wonders how I can keep letting things go on like this.

How it is.

and that's all
embrace the moment
let it go
and realize
that's how it is.

DARE.

Dare to stop making the safe choices.
Instead make choices that make your heart sing,
your feet dance, and most importantly,
make you feel alive.

This life is passing you by and it is about time that
you wake up and start taking responsibility for your
decisions. Your decisions to roll along because it is
easier that way. Because the day will come when there
will no longer be choices. And I want you to rejoice in that
day knowing you did all you could when you had the chance.

I dare you.

Back to the Beginning.

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want." -Margaret Young

And so a new year begins. And I try to strip away everything of what is and what has become in order to find what I want it to be. And the process is hard and I struggle, but I find that the small glimpses of an authentic life and no longer being detached from the person I am and the life I am leading are worth every bit of the pain it takes to see these things for what they are. And so I go back to the beginning and start to peel away the layers that have covered up the simple hopes and dreams of a happy and real life.

Out of Habit.

And the reality is
that after all this time
it really is just you.

Truths.

"Making things complicated is easy. Achieving simplicity is tough."

~Bruno Munari

A new day.

I vow that today will be the day that I start letting things go.
Not getting frustrated by having to wait,
Or move, or sway,
Because of the motions of others.
Letting things get messy,
Because there will always be time to clean later.
Slowing down to feel the moment,
Because the time will pass whether or not I am present.
Not needing to put things in the order I am accustomed to,
Because there is nothing left to discover if nothing ever changes.
And not balling up inside because something is done differently than I do it.
Because there are new and better ways out there
just waiting to be welcome.

Video Snapshot
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

Please say honestly you won't give up on me...and I shall believe.

Sometimes.

Sometimes the anger comes fast and furious
and I don't know why
And it wells up in me until I feel that I will surely explode
And then I hate myself for the person I have become
Unstable
I can't imagine others wanting to be around me when
Even I can't stand my own presence
And everything that I want in my future
Is being erased before it even begins.

Hula Seventy tag...

"1. Go into your archive. 2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to). 3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to). 4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions. 5. Tag five people to do the same."

---A reminder that there are always things left to be seen---

My sentence comes as a welcome reminder on a rainy day. Thank you, Andrea!

Thank you Jen Gray....

It is as if I have been waiting for the invitation. To tell someone what is going on in my head, because honestly, I don't even know any more. More than anything I have been trying to think of what I love and how to make those things a bigger part of my life. It has been getting harder and harder with each passing day to get up and go to work. In reality, the job itself is not so bad- it is just that it has become monotonous and I have become bored. And bored has never worked well for me. I become disconnected and it as if life is happening all around me and I am simply not a part of it. I am merely going through the motions of my routine. And I know that this is sometimes how the depression arrives. And I am scared because it can literally alter your mind. And truly make you believe that there is not a single thing out there that you enjoy or that is worth living for.

And then I see the eyes of a child....the delight in it all- the learning the discovery and the longing for every new day because who knows what it could hold? And I know that that is what I want. The excitement of experiencing each and every day. I just don't know how to get there.

Cerealogy.

78
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

83

83
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

I choose not to.

Too Much.

There is always so much to do. Things to be done because you have to, and things to be done because you want to. But at a certain point, the body just refuses and decides instead to be still. It is a gentle reminder to slow down when life is too busy to be enjoyable. Stop planning things for awhile and just see what life has planned for you.

Some days...

86
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

are just better than others and it feels okay to just be. And it feels less about the number of days until something else and more about today.

One thing leads to another

87
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

The countdown began and quickly ignited another projct- who knew it could be so fascinating to search for creative number usage? I am excited now to start creating my own number art, but need to get a new battery for my camera before I will be able to capture it. Further proof that the countdown isn't such a bad thing after all. :)

88 Days.

88
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

The countdown is on. At first, I thought it was probably a bad sign that I was already counting down the number of work days until the end of the year. But really, don't we all need a little something to look forward to? A little something to keep us going with the days get long? And so it is…88 days until the end of the year (and what will hopefully be a big enough bonus to buy myself a little freedom).

Take a risk.

It has been more than a month since my last post. After the first couple of days, I was certain I would find a time to catch up on everything that was happening. After a week- catch up felt daunting. And after a month, it feels nearly impossible. So many important things have happened that I am worried I won't do it all justice by rambling through it all. So- one thing at a time, one post at a time. Here goes…

On July 7th, I received an e-mail from Andrea Scher:

“I was just thinking that at some point I wanted to mention you and your courageousness in coming to me for a portrait session. I was inspired by your story and our day and thought others might be too.

I could write a little piece and have you approve it.
What do you think?”


While flattered, I also feared how this piece would be received. Putting my image and words out there on a well-visited site with comments open was terrifying. But in a continuing effort to be brave, I let go. And I was rewarded with a community embracing me in their words with a comfort I had never known.

You can see the posting and the comments here:

www.superherodesigns.com/journal/archives/000651.html

Sometimes I become so detached from the bigger picture that I forget that other people are out there to help and to encourage and to make us all feel alive. I get wrapped up in my immediate world and forget that there is more out there. More to experience and more to do. There is a reason to take risks…because there really may be a great reward on the other side just waiting for you to arrive.

independence day

independence day
Originally uploaded by canadia-eh.

A new perspective….
Fireworks from above.
Bursts of color in every direction
Celebrations all around.

A reminder that there are always
Things left to be seen
If only from a different angle.

In need of a little comfort...

nap
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

Today is one of those days that I am reminded that a nap with a favorite stuffed animal is good for everyone.

The next step.

hike_stairs
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

Maybe the path is right in front of you and all you have to do is take it one step at a time.

what if no one's watching...

"but what
what if no one's watching
what if when we're dead, we are just dead
what if there's no time to lose
what if there's things we gotta do
things that need to be said

you know i can't apologize
for everything i know
i mean you don't have to agree with me
but once you get me going
you better just let me go
we have to be able to criticize
what we love
say what we have to say
'cause if you're not trying to make something better
then as far as i can tell
you are just in the way

i mean what
what if no one's watching
what if when we're dead
we are just dead
what if it's just us down here
what if god is just an idea
someone put in your head

i mean what
what if no one's watching
what if no one's watching..."

-a.d.

In loving memory...

The frailty of it all astounds me. My grandfather died about a week ago. I marvel at all of the things he did in his lifetime. Everything he experienced. And in an instant the flame was extinguished. That's how easy it is for everything to go away. This realization can either spring you into action to take advantage of every moment you have left. Or it can paralyze you with fear thinking that no matter what you do, in the end it all goes away anyways….so what's the point? The point it seems is to be fully present in every moment to make the conscious decisions about each thing you do. While you may not enjoy everything you do- it all has a purpose. And if you find that it has no purpose, then get rid of it. Ultimately everything should be moving toward fruition in some way. And so I mourn the loss of the best whistler I have ever known. He was a man of few words, but many notes. Notes that will forever live on in my heart. I love you Grampy and thank you for all of the candy, sick pay, quarters and love with which you spoiled me.

What I did last summer...

The lovely and talented Andrea Scher has asked us to write an essay entitled "What I did during the summer of 2005 that made me a better, smarter, happier person". I do believe that by putting what we want out in to the universe, it comes alive. So here's to a summer to remember...


During the summer of 2005 I regressed….in a good way. I began to remember how I saw things when I was a child and tried to make decisions with that innocence. I did things because I wanted to, when I wanted to and because they were fun. I stopped predicting the future and started living the present. I moved in with my boyfriend because I was no longer afraid of what this meant or what was now expected. I wasn't concerned about taking things to another level, or the fear of “what if it doesn't work out?”. I was just concerned with sharing the company of someone whom I loved and admired. I started enjoying the taste of food- the sugary, the salty and the sour…without once thinking about the number of calories it constituted or how many grams of fat were involved. I ran when I wanted, and napped when the pillow called. Or the sofa. Or the grass. Or my desk. :)

But the best thing I did during the summer of 2005 was to let go of my judgments and my selfishness. I let other people live their lives and I lived my own. And if someone wasn't living their life the way I live mine then I smiled and walked on knowing how amazing and beautiful it is that no two people are the same. And I was no longer concerned with how their decisions affected me. I only worried about the things that were in my control and I let go of the things that were out of my grasp. And I smiled and I breathed long sighs of relief in knowing that I was okay and that I already had everything I needed to keep being okay for a very long time.

Implosion.

new art
Originally uploaded by Rosie O'Donnell.

There are times when the anger hits me so fast and so furious that I feel like I am imploding. It can be brought upon by something quite small and in an instant my hands are shaking, i am sick to my stomach and can't concentrate on anything. Colors and emotions swirling like mad behind my eyes.

Listen.

stress makes my stomach turn
and I wonder…
did I never learn how to manage it-
or is it a sign?

my mind wrestles with the fact that stress
is based on how you internalize things.
i can’t let it bother me.
yet my mind is warped with justification
and guilt of the bigger picture.

but the body speaks the truth.
it is not concerned with what this means for my career
or my relationship
or my financial future.
my body just knows that it feels wrong.
it is telling me that this isn’t working.

and you can choose to listen
or you can wait for it to bury itself
but it will be back.

No, seriously...

fucking let go.

I am...

forward2
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

looking forward with the fresh perspective of a weekend spent out of town. New people, new places and a little time to reflect on where I am and where I want to go. It seems so easy to define and yet so hard to do. It is very clear to me that I need to let go of a lot of control in order to move forward. And as I slowly let go of the reins- the fear is overwhelming. Try to remember that feeling afraid is what it feels like to really be living. What is the point of living every day in a safety zone that you have carefully created? LET GO.

Tomorrow

Getting in my car
and driving
windows open
sun beating down
glorifying my left arm
while my right arm is busied
with the selection of music
and beverages
and treats.

Anticipating the destination
as much as enjoying the journey
a break from the norm
a brief glimpse of the other me
the adventurous one
the carefree one
the one of the one.

1 comments.

I sit at my desk and contemplate a stranger reading my blog. I started the blog in secret- an outlet for my thoughts- often dark ones that I feared sharing with those in my world. And then slowly, hints began to leak out of me....I told the two closest to me that it existed... but didn't share the address. and then i did. one. and then the other. and then once the fear had ebbed and safety had flowed- i replied to other postings and included my web address assuming that no one would actually click on it. And then today- I blinked my eyes several times when I read at the bottom of my last post...1 comments.

And suddenly the sun shines a little brighter. To know that none of us are really alone in this.

A Reminder.

To be nobody but yourself
in a world which is doing its best
to make you everybody else,
means to fight the hardest human battle ever
and to never stop fighting.

E. E. CUMMINGS

looking forward to looking back.

at some point, i stopped living my life based upon how i felt
and started living it on a schedule
i'm not sure when it happened.
and i can't remember the last time i did something just because
i felt like it.

and now i am trying to fight my way back
into my own conciousness.
to question how i feel about things
and ask the why's and the how's and the where's
and then do what i feel.

not because it is the way to save money
or the way to save time
or what i should be doing
or what makes the most sense
but because i can.

today i had the giggles
and i worry
that it is all coming back too fast
and that tomorrow i will wake up
and it will all be gone again
and there will be only grey.

Simplicity.

and the gala apple that my boyfriend bought for me delivered to my lips the sweet succulence of it all.

and in those few words i realize i am again seeing beauty in the small and simplest of things. i had forgotten that simple sweetness exists and i am wonderfully reminded and promise myself now to look everywhere for it.

Not so easy.

It turns out that what I believed to be the most annoying migraine ever, was the onset of lexapro withdrawal. This is insane. Funny how they never tell you about any of this when they are putting you ON the drugs. "Oh yeah- and by the way- this is going to be a bitch to get off of." I called my doctor yesterday- day 4 of feeling like hell- and he suggested that I go back on the lexapro and then ease off of it more slowly. Or that I stick it out with a lot of advil or aleve and hope for the best. As I enter day 5 of the head olympics I can't even imagine ingesting more of that evil drug. But I also can't imagine having to feel like this for much longer either. At least today is Saturday and I can crawl from the bed to the couch and back without having to worry too much about my lack of productivity. I can only hope that I will feel somewhat like myself again come Monday. I can barely even remember what that feels like. At this point in time- it seems like normality must feel like a little slice of heaven. With white frosting. mmmm....frosting.

Haze

I have been caught in the haze of a migraine for the last two days. Today my head still feels foggy, my ears feel like they need to pop to relieve some of the pressure and every time I turn my head I get dizzy. Times like this when all I want to do is feel okay remind me to be thankful for the days when physically I feel fine. Emotional pain seems like a piece of cake on days like this. Unfortunately, when my head clears, I fear it will clear itself of that thought as well.

Today.

And so today, I try to savor the little things. A chocolate tootsie roll pop. Kind words from a friend. A quiet day in the office. I am trying to bring myself back to life. The unfortunate reality is that as of late I have felt nothing. Really. Nothing. I don't know if it is the depression medication that I am on or just the fact that I have just let go and given up and disconnected from myself. This morning I did not take my medication. And i don't plan to any time soon. If I am ready to say goodbye to the world now, then how could things get worse by letting myself feel what it is like to be alive. Maybe I had to see what the numbness feels like to know that I would prefer the feeling of stress. or sadness. or happiness. or anything and everything in between.

Re-awakening.

I am heading to Italy for two weeks on Tuesday. It is so surreal that this trip is finally here- my family has been planning it for the past year- so it almost felt like it would never actually come to fruition. But low and behold, the reality has set in as I now realize how much packing and preparing I have to do! I have no idea what to expect from this trip. I will be traveling with 10 other members of my mother's side of my family. Until now, I have only traveled with my immediate family of 4 and many times even that was unbearable! :) I keep telling myself that the beauty of it all is that this is truly a once in a lifetime experience to be traveling with my relatives to meet extended family living in Sicily. How amazing to be able to explore my heritage through the living and through the country and culture itself. I do think it is the perfect time for me to take a trip to a new and exciting place where all of my senses can be re-awakened.

Beach Feet

Beach_Feet
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

After a long, lazy, blissful sun drenched 3 day weekend I am already fully entrenched at work. More words on my amazing weekend as soon as I get a few free moments. But in the meantime, I think the photo says it all.

Almost there.

Hooray! I am heading out of town for the weekend. I am so excited to be in a new place and completely break my current routine. I am looking forward to long luxurious mornings of sleeping in and room service, time at the beach, and exploring new restaurants and shops and inspiration...hopefully just 3 full days of feeling truly alive. Which, of course, makes the last few hours of work before I am free seem longer and more tedious than normal. Then again it has been feeling long and tedious as of late anyways. I think it may be time to re-assess. I am taking a two week vacation to Italy from September 14 through the 28th and think it will be the perfect opportunity to really look at where I am in my life and where I want to go. Sure- my job is convenient and affords me the time and money to train for all of my athletic events, but if it is a daily drain and I don't feel any passion for it, then maybe it is no longer worth the convenience. I think convenience breeds comfort. And although comfort feels good and easy, maybe it's time to shake things up with a little unpredictability.

And so it begins....

Every day I read other people's blogs and think to myself that it is amazing that they always have something to say. Meanwhile, I find it so easy to get caught up in the events of daily life that I don't take the time to sit back and just digest for awhile. And so I have started this blog in an effort to force myself to acknowledge all of the things happening in my life instead of just letting them pass me by. I must admit that as of late I feel as though I am just an innocent bystander- i get up, shower, eat breakfast, go to work, workout, some nights see my boyfriend and other nights just catch up on bills and reading and such banalities and then go to bed. But that is certainly not because nothing interesting is happening. Work always holds some sort of excitement as I work at a production company with other creative types. My workouts are currently training sessions for an upcoming triathlon. And my boyfriend is the kindest, most gentle and honest man that I have ever known. And so the question is: how do i become present in my life again?