A Reminder.

"These are the days to remember for they will not last forever."

The last month has been a rocky road to say the least. I have been in and out of the hospital four times and each time I come home I am reminded of all of the little luxuries I have on a daily basis:

-being in the comfort of my own bed
-the sunny, bright and cheery rooms
-my dog sleeping at my feet
-not being hooked up to monitors ad tethered to machines
-being able to use the bathroom
-choosing whatever foods I would like to eat

But I have still been confined to a bed during this time which is surprisingly difficult to withstand. So a month or two from now, when you are back up and about and feel like yourself again, don't forget to marvel at all the things you are now longing to do:

-go outside. Feel the sun on your face and the breeze in your hair. Take long exhales of all of that fresh air.
-exercise. Walk. Move your body. Stretch your legs and leave behind all the hip soreness from laying in bed all this time.
-take a long hot shower---standing up!! Pamper yourself so you feel good.
-take a bath. Soak and relax. Exhale.
-enjoy all the rooms of the house and the front porch. Enjoy the variety.
-eat sitting up. Who knew that could be such a luxury??
-do it yourself! Be able to get what you need without constantly feeling like a burden on someone else.
-laugh. A lot. Without it hurting.

Left it.

I am proud to say that I did a pretty good job of leaving the work at work. Just the necessities got done and I actually felt pretty calm and stress free for most of the weekend. The good 12 hours of sleep on Saturday night probably helped too :) So hooray for that!

Leave it there.

My goal for this long weekend is to leave the work at work. Sure- there are a couple of small items I need to do- send an e-mail, post a link, etc. That stuff is fine because it comes and goes fluidly through my mind. The work arrives, I do it, and it is done. The real goal is to not think about everything that has to happen on Tuesday before Tuesday. I have created a master list so that there is no chance of anything being forgotten, I have e-mailed the other players explicit instructions about what has to get done and when.

So now you have permission to let go for the weekend and know that when Tuesday comes everything will get done just the way it needs to. And there is nothing more you can do between now and then to ensure that, so why not enjoy each of the weekend days for whatever they bring instead of focusing on what's to come. There will be plenty of time to do that when you get there. Your challenge: to present yourself with the present.

Inundated.

So I've been pretty overwhelmed and busy at work lately which is why I haven't posted recently. But the fun thing is that amidst all of the work stress, I am noticing a growing sense of excitement. Excitement about this little one in my belly coming out into the world. As a couple of the nursery items come together, I am getting excited about everything that room will be and the hopes and dreams that will live there. And I get excited about being able to see this world anew through the eyes of someone who is seeing it all for the very first time. It's somehow like the chance for a fresh-start. And I'm all for fresh starts.

You are enough.

Just the way you are right now in this very moment.

CULTIVATING

Even after all this time,
the sun never says to the earth,
"You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights the whole sky.
~Hafiz~

SARKism

"Navigating change succulently means practicing flexibility"

Possibilities...

"Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free" (J.M)

Just a few possibilities that feel nice floating around in my mind right now:

Huntington Gardens
See Yes Man
Wear your superhero necklace
Buy flowers
Pinkberry in the afternoon
Eat something you want without thinking about it
Turn up the music
Do something fun with your hair
Stay in your pajamas for a day
Walk somewhere new
Sit on the front porch

Donuts and Doo-Dah

I found lots of reasons why this wasn't as much of an accomplishment as it could have been. But today, B pointed out that part of my pattern is not being able to see my accomplishments or feel proud of something I have done. And so today I want you to know that I am proud of you and that you are doing a good job. And sure- there will always be bigger and better challenges out there and there will always be more to do, but all you need to do in this very moment is take a step towards where you want to be. So it's okay that you discovered somewhat last minute that the Doo-Dah parade was actually on Sunday and not on Monday as you had originally thought. And after your initial reaction of oh well, it won't work now, you did offer up the possibility that you could enjoy your Sunday with donuts and the Doo-Dah parade and then do what you had planned for Sunday on Monday. And instead of thinking that was a cop-out, maybe it was just a solution to be able to celebrate the silliness of it and still feel good and productive at the end of it all.

Spontaneous Challenges.

In light of what felt like a very successful set of initial challenges, I am realizing that there might be a crutch in the process. I was trying to figure out what my next official challenge action would be so that I could start planning for it. But that's the problem- the planning! So my challenge action for this week is to spontaneously accept a challenge either when it is presented to me or right when I think about it. I challenge the challenge.

Challenge Action # 1: Complete!

The first official challenge action has been completed--- I went to the Rose Bowl flea market on Sunday morning. And I have to say, it was really nice to change up the normal routine. We got up without an alarm clock and then had banana waffles for breakfast- yum! And then we headed off to the flea market. It was a little overwhelming. So many vendors and so many things for sale. Definitely fun to see and experience although the day turned out to be a little hot for this pregnant lady. The frozen lemonade definitely helped though :)

That afternoon I still made it to the gym for my Sunday swim which was actually really good. I never realized how pretty the pool would be with all of that afternoon sunlight since I always swim in the morning (and it made it a little warmer too!). So all in all, very successful. The one thing I am preparing myself for is that thus far, I have still been able to squeeze in all of my otherwise planned activities even with the added events. While great, I just want to be sure that I don't get too dependent on only being able to do other things if I can still do the regularly scheduled items. So just be prepared, that may not always be the case and that's okay. It all adds up and will balance out in the wash. And if not, I mean really. So what?

Success.

Last night was great. Good conversation, lots of laughter and life. And although a little later than normal, I still managed to squeeze in my evening walk when I got home. Success! Today included an unexpected lunch out at M café. Good food and good atmosphere to see life literally bustling all around me (that life even including Natalie Portman and Sara Gilbert). And dinner and a show still to come tonight!

And so today I began thinking that maybe the thought that I was watching life happen around me was merely another part of my pattern. Perhaps that wasn't actually the case, but in not being more in touch with what was really happening and recognizing how I was feeling about things, that was just my default thought. It's encouraging somehow that it may not have been a truth all that time and could be as easy to change as a frame of mind. But I guess everything is really just a frame of mind in the end.

Multiplying.

Suddenly my challenge action jumped from one this week to three. I have to believe that this is a good sign that I am being more open to options and seeing the possibilities. My biggest concern is that I don't do too much too quickly and then retreat back to the same spot. So tonight it is dinner with a couple of friends, tomorrow night it is dinner and a friend's music performance and Sunday it's still a go for the Rose Bowl's flea market. Just take it one thing at a time- have fun and you will figure out everything else around it. You will.

Rude Awakening.

Last night after I finished writing my entry, I began to scroll down through old posts. As I re-read each successive post, I was awe-struck, embarrassed and then more determined than ever. I started this blog on September 1st, 2004… almost four and a half years ago. And it seems that the ever present reoccurring theme of posts is that I feel like I am watching life happen around me instead of truly experiencing it. And in a seemingly Groundhog Day kind of way, I unknowingly keep realizing that and writing about it. So the question becomes, what is different now that will help me truly break these patterns instead of being destined to repeat them?

Challenge actions: Specific actions or events that are outside of my normal scope of plans. Starting off slowly in hopes of keeping the process enjoyable, I plan on completing at least one challenge action a week for the next few weeks. I will then add another challenge every couple of weeks until hopefully they become constant options.

A Baby: I am currently six months pregnant and am constantly reminded by the growing being inside me that my routine is going to be shaken up in a way that I can’t possibly imagine. I will suddenly be on someone else’s schedule instead of my own and I can’t think of a better way to force change.

Need: After feeling this way for so long, I simply can’t continue to live like this. Success to be seen in happiness, smiles and “What has gotten into her?” comments by those around me.

Day 1.

I never thought it would be so difficult to get closer to the person I want to be. But for many reasons over many years, I have created a safety zone that is so tightly confined that any little step out of that box (even if it is a step in the direction I want to be going) is anxiety provoking. But I am determined to start living outside of that box no matter how hard it is. Because, really, what is the point of continuing to live within it? Continuing to live days that are already defined before I have even woken up in the morning. And so when I came across this picture and quote, it was a much needed reminder that no, it isn’t going to be easy. And each day may be just as challenging and anxiety provoking as the day before, but that each day is a chance. Each day is day 1. A fresh slate waiting to be defined. A new day waiting to be lived. An opportunity to start all over again in a world without boxes and routines and plans and schedules.

What are you going to do today?

The little things...

Most of the time, it is the little things that make me happy. And these socks and these shoes are absolutely making me happy today.

A new day.

Last night I had a dream that I was caught in water with waves higher and fiercer than you can imagine. My instinct was to fight the waves, but I quickly realized that in order to survive I actually had to allow myself to go with the flow of the waves. Sometimes this meant my head bobbing under and swallowing some water, but other times it meant riding forward with great momentum and ease. I awoke thinking that this couldn’t be a better metaphor for my life and the new year at hand. And so on this first day of January, I am resolving to not only be more open to ebbs and flows and spontaneity, but also to allow myself to engage in the world around me. The goal no longer being to navigate the road so well as to avoid any possible bumps or bruises, but to simply take things as they come. Some challenges will inevitably need to be navigated, but all the while there will be experiences. It will no longer feel as though I am watching things happen around me, as I will be too busy participating to notice. When I was younger, I loved the expression, “Enlarge. Enliven. Enlighten.” And so this year, I vow not only to do just that, but most importantly to ENGAGE. As a part of this engagement I would like to try to incorporate the following things:

*Enjoy more spaces in the new house. Especially my nook, the front porch and the outside in general.
*Let each day have choices instead of just routines.
*Notice and think about how I am feeling and why.
*Read more. Write more. Allow yourself to engage in these activities and see what happens.
*Savor the possibility of anything.
*Allow those around me to live their lives the way they want to- even if it isn’t how I would do it.
*Let go.