looking forward to looking back.

at some point, i stopped living my life based upon how i felt
and started living it on a schedule
i'm not sure when it happened.
and i can't remember the last time i did something just because
i felt like it.

and now i am trying to fight my way back
into my own conciousness.
to question how i feel about things
and ask the why's and the how's and the where's
and then do what i feel.

not because it is the way to save money
or the way to save time
or what i should be doing
or what makes the most sense
but because i can.

today i had the giggles
and i worry
that it is all coming back too fast
and that tomorrow i will wake up
and it will all be gone again
and there will be only grey.

Simplicity.

and the gala apple that my boyfriend bought for me delivered to my lips the sweet succulence of it all.

and in those few words i realize i am again seeing beauty in the small and simplest of things. i had forgotten that simple sweetness exists and i am wonderfully reminded and promise myself now to look everywhere for it.

Not so easy.

It turns out that what I believed to be the most annoying migraine ever, was the onset of lexapro withdrawal. This is insane. Funny how they never tell you about any of this when they are putting you ON the drugs. "Oh yeah- and by the way- this is going to be a bitch to get off of." I called my doctor yesterday- day 4 of feeling like hell- and he suggested that I go back on the lexapro and then ease off of it more slowly. Or that I stick it out with a lot of advil or aleve and hope for the best. As I enter day 5 of the head olympics I can't even imagine ingesting more of that evil drug. But I also can't imagine having to feel like this for much longer either. At least today is Saturday and I can crawl from the bed to the couch and back without having to worry too much about my lack of productivity. I can only hope that I will feel somewhat like myself again come Monday. I can barely even remember what that feels like. At this point in time- it seems like normality must feel like a little slice of heaven. With white frosting. mmmm....frosting.

Haze

I have been caught in the haze of a migraine for the last two days. Today my head still feels foggy, my ears feel like they need to pop to relieve some of the pressure and every time I turn my head I get dizzy. Times like this when all I want to do is feel okay remind me to be thankful for the days when physically I feel fine. Emotional pain seems like a piece of cake on days like this. Unfortunately, when my head clears, I fear it will clear itself of that thought as well.

Today.

And so today, I try to savor the little things. A chocolate tootsie roll pop. Kind words from a friend. A quiet day in the office. I am trying to bring myself back to life. The unfortunate reality is that as of late I have felt nothing. Really. Nothing. I don't know if it is the depression medication that I am on or just the fact that I have just let go and given up and disconnected from myself. This morning I did not take my medication. And i don't plan to any time soon. If I am ready to say goodbye to the world now, then how could things get worse by letting myself feel what it is like to be alive. Maybe I had to see what the numbness feels like to know that I would prefer the feeling of stress. or sadness. or happiness. or anything and everything in between.