Out of Habit.

And the reality is
that after all this time
it really is just you.

Truths.

"Making things complicated is easy. Achieving simplicity is tough."

~Bruno Munari

A new day.

I vow that today will be the day that I start letting things go.
Not getting frustrated by having to wait,
Or move, or sway,
Because of the motions of others.
Letting things get messy,
Because there will always be time to clean later.
Slowing down to feel the moment,
Because the time will pass whether or not I am present.
Not needing to put things in the order I am accustomed to,
Because there is nothing left to discover if nothing ever changes.
And not balling up inside because something is done differently than I do it.
Because there are new and better ways out there
just waiting to be welcome.

Video Snapshot
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

Please say honestly you won't give up on me...and I shall believe.

Sometimes.

Sometimes the anger comes fast and furious
and I don't know why
And it wells up in me until I feel that I will surely explode
And then I hate myself for the person I have become
Unstable
I can't imagine others wanting to be around me when
Even I can't stand my own presence
And everything that I want in my future
Is being erased before it even begins.

Hula Seventy tag...

"1. Go into your archive. 2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to). 3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to). 4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions. 5. Tag five people to do the same."

---A reminder that there are always things left to be seen---

My sentence comes as a welcome reminder on a rainy day. Thank you, Andrea!

Thank you Jen Gray....

It is as if I have been waiting for the invitation. To tell someone what is going on in my head, because honestly, I don't even know any more. More than anything I have been trying to think of what I love and how to make those things a bigger part of my life. It has been getting harder and harder with each passing day to get up and go to work. In reality, the job itself is not so bad- it is just that it has become monotonous and I have become bored. And bored has never worked well for me. I become disconnected and it as if life is happening all around me and I am simply not a part of it. I am merely going through the motions of my routine. And I know that this is sometimes how the depression arrives. And I am scared because it can literally alter your mind. And truly make you believe that there is not a single thing out there that you enjoy or that is worth living for.

And then I see the eyes of a child....the delight in it all- the learning the discovery and the longing for every new day because who knows what it could hold? And I know that that is what I want. The excitement of experiencing each and every day. I just don't know how to get there.

Cerealogy.

78
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

83

83
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

I choose not to.

Too Much.

There is always so much to do. Things to be done because you have to, and things to be done because you want to. But at a certain point, the body just refuses and decides instead to be still. It is a gentle reminder to slow down when life is too busy to be enjoyable. Stop planning things for awhile and just see what life has planned for you.

Some days...

86
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

are just better than others and it feels okay to just be. And it feels less about the number of days until something else and more about today.

One thing leads to another

87
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

The countdown began and quickly ignited another projct- who knew it could be so fascinating to search for creative number usage? I am excited now to start creating my own number art, but need to get a new battery for my camera before I will be able to capture it. Further proof that the countdown isn't such a bad thing after all. :)

88 Days.

88
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

The countdown is on. At first, I thought it was probably a bad sign that I was already counting down the number of work days until the end of the year. But really, don't we all need a little something to look forward to? A little something to keep us going with the days get long? And so it is…88 days until the end of the year (and what will hopefully be a big enough bonus to buy myself a little freedom).

Take a risk.

It has been more than a month since my last post. After the first couple of days, I was certain I would find a time to catch up on everything that was happening. After a week- catch up felt daunting. And after a month, it feels nearly impossible. So many important things have happened that I am worried I won't do it all justice by rambling through it all. So- one thing at a time, one post at a time. Here goes…

On July 7th, I received an e-mail from Andrea Scher:

“I was just thinking that at some point I wanted to mention you and your courageousness in coming to me for a portrait session. I was inspired by your story and our day and thought others might be too.

I could write a little piece and have you approve it.
What do you think?”


While flattered, I also feared how this piece would be received. Putting my image and words out there on a well-visited site with comments open was terrifying. But in a continuing effort to be brave, I let go. And I was rewarded with a community embracing me in their words with a comfort I had never known.

You can see the posting and the comments here:

www.superherodesigns.com/journal/archives/000651.html

Sometimes I become so detached from the bigger picture that I forget that other people are out there to help and to encourage and to make us all feel alive. I get wrapped up in my immediate world and forget that there is more out there. More to experience and more to do. There is a reason to take risks…because there really may be a great reward on the other side just waiting for you to arrive.

independence day

independence day
Originally uploaded by canadia-eh.

A new perspective….
Fireworks from above.
Bursts of color in every direction
Celebrations all around.

A reminder that there are always
Things left to be seen
If only from a different angle.

In need of a little comfort...

nap
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

Today is one of those days that I am reminded that a nap with a favorite stuffed animal is good for everyone.

The next step.

hike_stairs
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

Maybe the path is right in front of you and all you have to do is take it one step at a time.

what if no one's watching...

"but what
what if no one's watching
what if when we're dead, we are just dead
what if there's no time to lose
what if there's things we gotta do
things that need to be said

you know i can't apologize
for everything i know
i mean you don't have to agree with me
but once you get me going
you better just let me go
we have to be able to criticize
what we love
say what we have to say
'cause if you're not trying to make something better
then as far as i can tell
you are just in the way

i mean what
what if no one's watching
what if when we're dead
we are just dead
what if it's just us down here
what if god is just an idea
someone put in your head

i mean what
what if no one's watching
what if no one's watching..."

-a.d.

In loving memory...

The frailty of it all astounds me. My grandfather died about a week ago. I marvel at all of the things he did in his lifetime. Everything he experienced. And in an instant the flame was extinguished. That's how easy it is for everything to go away. This realization can either spring you into action to take advantage of every moment you have left. Or it can paralyze you with fear thinking that no matter what you do, in the end it all goes away anyways….so what's the point? The point it seems is to be fully present in every moment to make the conscious decisions about each thing you do. While you may not enjoy everything you do- it all has a purpose. And if you find that it has no purpose, then get rid of it. Ultimately everything should be moving toward fruition in some way. And so I mourn the loss of the best whistler I have ever known. He was a man of few words, but many notes. Notes that will forever live on in my heart. I love you Grampy and thank you for all of the candy, sick pay, quarters and love with which you spoiled me.

What I did last summer...

The lovely and talented Andrea Scher has asked us to write an essay entitled "What I did during the summer of 2005 that made me a better, smarter, happier person". I do believe that by putting what we want out in to the universe, it comes alive. So here's to a summer to remember...


During the summer of 2005 I regressed….in a good way. I began to remember how I saw things when I was a child and tried to make decisions with that innocence. I did things because I wanted to, when I wanted to and because they were fun. I stopped predicting the future and started living the present. I moved in with my boyfriend because I was no longer afraid of what this meant or what was now expected. I wasn't concerned about taking things to another level, or the fear of “what if it doesn't work out?”. I was just concerned with sharing the company of someone whom I loved and admired. I started enjoying the taste of food- the sugary, the salty and the sour…without once thinking about the number of calories it constituted or how many grams of fat were involved. I ran when I wanted, and napped when the pillow called. Or the sofa. Or the grass. Or my desk. :)

But the best thing I did during the summer of 2005 was to let go of my judgments and my selfishness. I let other people live their lives and I lived my own. And if someone wasn't living their life the way I live mine then I smiled and walked on knowing how amazing and beautiful it is that no two people are the same. And I was no longer concerned with how their decisions affected me. I only worried about the things that were in my control and I let go of the things that were out of my grasp. And I smiled and I breathed long sighs of relief in knowing that I was okay and that I already had everything I needed to keep being okay for a very long time.

Implosion.

new art
Originally uploaded by Rosie O'Donnell.

There are times when the anger hits me so fast and so furious that I feel like I am imploding. It can be brought upon by something quite small and in an instant my hands are shaking, i am sick to my stomach and can't concentrate on anything. Colors and emotions swirling like mad behind my eyes.

Listen.

stress makes my stomach turn
and I wonder…
did I never learn how to manage it-
or is it a sign?

my mind wrestles with the fact that stress
is based on how you internalize things.
i can’t let it bother me.
yet my mind is warped with justification
and guilt of the bigger picture.

but the body speaks the truth.
it is not concerned with what this means for my career
or my relationship
or my financial future.
my body just knows that it feels wrong.
it is telling me that this isn’t working.

and you can choose to listen
or you can wait for it to bury itself
but it will be back.

No, seriously...

fucking let go.

I am...

forward2
Originally uploaded by sunnycbb.

looking forward with the fresh perspective of a weekend spent out of town. New people, new places and a little time to reflect on where I am and where I want to go. It seems so easy to define and yet so hard to do. It is very clear to me that I need to let go of a lot of control in order to move forward. And as I slowly let go of the reins- the fear is overwhelming. Try to remember that feeling afraid is what it feels like to really be living. What is the point of living every day in a safety zone that you have carefully created? LET GO.

Tomorrow

Getting in my car
and driving
windows open
sun beating down
glorifying my left arm
while my right arm is busied
with the selection of music
and beverages
and treats.

Anticipating the destination
as much as enjoying the journey
a break from the norm
a brief glimpse of the other me
the adventurous one
the carefree one
the one of the one.

1 comments.

I sit at my desk and contemplate a stranger reading my blog. I started the blog in secret- an outlet for my thoughts- often dark ones that I feared sharing with those in my world. And then slowly, hints began to leak out of me....I told the two closest to me that it existed... but didn't share the address. and then i did. one. and then the other. and then once the fear had ebbed and safety had flowed- i replied to other postings and included my web address assuming that no one would actually click on it. And then today- I blinked my eyes several times when I read at the bottom of my last post...1 comments.

And suddenly the sun shines a little brighter. To know that none of us are really alone in this.

A Reminder.

To be nobody but yourself
in a world which is doing its best
to make you everybody else,
means to fight the hardest human battle ever
and to never stop fighting.

E. E. CUMMINGS

looking forward to looking back.

at some point, i stopped living my life based upon how i felt
and started living it on a schedule
i'm not sure when it happened.
and i can't remember the last time i did something just because
i felt like it.

and now i am trying to fight my way back
into my own conciousness.
to question how i feel about things
and ask the why's and the how's and the where's
and then do what i feel.

not because it is the way to save money
or the way to save time
or what i should be doing
or what makes the most sense
but because i can.

today i had the giggles
and i worry
that it is all coming back too fast
and that tomorrow i will wake up
and it will all be gone again
and there will be only grey.

Simplicity.

and the gala apple that my boyfriend bought for me delivered to my lips the sweet succulence of it all.

and in those few words i realize i am again seeing beauty in the small and simplest of things. i had forgotten that simple sweetness exists and i am wonderfully reminded and promise myself now to look everywhere for it.

Not so easy.

It turns out that what I believed to be the most annoying migraine ever, was the onset of lexapro withdrawal. This is insane. Funny how they never tell you about any of this when they are putting you ON the drugs. "Oh yeah- and by the way- this is going to be a bitch to get off of." I called my doctor yesterday- day 4 of feeling like hell- and he suggested that I go back on the lexapro and then ease off of it more slowly. Or that I stick it out with a lot of advil or aleve and hope for the best. As I enter day 5 of the head olympics I can't even imagine ingesting more of that evil drug. But I also can't imagine having to feel like this for much longer either. At least today is Saturday and I can crawl from the bed to the couch and back without having to worry too much about my lack of productivity. I can only hope that I will feel somewhat like myself again come Monday. I can barely even remember what that feels like. At this point in time- it seems like normality must feel like a little slice of heaven. With white frosting. mmmm....frosting.

Haze

I have been caught in the haze of a migraine for the last two days. Today my head still feels foggy, my ears feel like they need to pop to relieve some of the pressure and every time I turn my head I get dizzy. Times like this when all I want to do is feel okay remind me to be thankful for the days when physically I feel fine. Emotional pain seems like a piece of cake on days like this. Unfortunately, when my head clears, I fear it will clear itself of that thought as well.

Today.

And so today, I try to savor the little things. A chocolate tootsie roll pop. Kind words from a friend. A quiet day in the office. I am trying to bring myself back to life. The unfortunate reality is that as of late I have felt nothing. Really. Nothing. I don't know if it is the depression medication that I am on or just the fact that I have just let go and given up and disconnected from myself. This morning I did not take my medication. And i don't plan to any time soon. If I am ready to say goodbye to the world now, then how could things get worse by letting myself feel what it is like to be alive. Maybe I had to see what the numbness feels like to know that I would prefer the feeling of stress. or sadness. or happiness. or anything and everything in between.