"but what what if no one's watching what if when we're dead, we are just dead what if there's no time to lose what if there's things we gotta do things that need to be said
you know i can't apologize for everything i know i mean you don't have to agree with me but once you get me going you better just let me go we have to be able to criticize what we love say what we have to say 'cause if you're not trying to make something better then as far as i can tell you are just in the way
i mean what what if no one's watching what if when we're dead we are just dead what if it's just us down here what if god is just an idea someone put in your head
i mean what what if no one's watching what if no one's watching..."
The frailty of it all astounds me. My grandfather died about a week ago. I marvel at all of the things he did in his lifetime. Everything he experienced. And in an instant the flame was extinguished. That's how easy it is for everything to go away. This realization can either spring you into action to take advantage of every moment you have left. Or it can paralyze you with fear thinking that no matter what you do, in the end it all goes away anyways….so what's the point? The point it seems is to be fully present in every moment to make the conscious decisions about each thing you do. While you may not enjoy everything you do- it all has a purpose. And if you find that it has no purpose, then get rid of it. Ultimately everything should be moving toward fruition in some way. And so I mourn the loss of the best whistler I have ever known. He was a man of few words, but many notes. Notes that will forever live on in my heart. I love you Grampy and thank you for all of the candy, sick pay, quarters and love with which you spoiled me.
The lovely and talented Andrea Scher has asked us to write an essay entitled "What I did during the summer of 2005 that made me a better, smarter, happier person". I do believe that by putting what we want out in to the universe, it comes alive. So here's to a summer to remember...
During the summer of 2005 I regressed….in a good way. I began to remember how I saw things when I was a child and tried to make decisions with that innocence. I did things because I wanted to, when I wanted to and because they were fun. I stopped predicting the future and started living the present. I moved in with my boyfriend because I was no longer afraid of what this meant or what was now expected. I wasn't concerned about taking things to another level, or the fear of “what if it doesn't work out?”. I was just concerned with sharing the company of someone whom I loved and admired. I started enjoying the taste of food- the sugary, the salty and the sour…without once thinking about the number of calories it constituted or how many grams of fat were involved. I ran when I wanted, and napped when the pillow called. Or the sofa. Or the grass. Or my desk. :)
But the best thing I did during the summer of 2005 was to let go of my judgments and my selfishness. I let other people live their lives and I lived my own. And if someone wasn't living their life the way I live mine then I smiled and walked on knowing how amazing and beautiful it is that no two people are the same. And I was no longer concerned with how their decisions affected me. I only worried about the things that were in my control and I let go of the things that were out of my grasp. And I smiled and I breathed long sighs of relief in knowing that I was okay and that I already had everything I needed to keep being okay for a very long time.