2010

I think I’ve been avoiding posting because the date of my last entry ended up being the day that my beautiful baby girl came into this world. I was on bedrest at the time, and I think I was nesting electronically. Ordering furniture and supplies online, responding to all of those e-mails I had been putting off and posting all of the feelings I had been struggling with for weeks. But it’s time. It’s a new year and it is the start of a new adventure. In reading Andrea’s description of the Word of the Year instead of resolutions, I couldn’t help but agree that this is such a simple, but effective plan. At first I was reluctant that I could settle on one word. There is so much I want to do this year- how can I possibly sum it all up in just one word? In reading Christine’s worksheet, it came to me and as it rolled through my head, I knew it was right. And so- the word of the year- is EXPERIMENT. I thought about the word Try, but that didn’t seem right. I didn’t want to try- I wanted to DO!! But I DO things all day long, every day. It isn’t about the doing in and of itself. It is about the non-routine. The doing something new and exciting. Whether it is something big and new and exciting like a new place or a new experience, or something small and new and exciting like eating something I don’t usually eat, or taking a different route or wearing something I wouldn’t normally wear. And experimenting just sounds fun. It means not doing something perfectly, but just giving it a try. Experiments aren't supposed to be perfect- they are supposed to be messy, thrilling means of discovery. It means being willing to take a chance and it may work or it may not, but that’s okay...it’s just an experiment. It means experiencing. And it means living.

A Reminder.

"These are the days to remember for they will not last forever."

The last month has been a rocky road to say the least. I have been in and out of the hospital four times and each time I come home I am reminded of all of the little luxuries I have on a daily basis:

-being in the comfort of my own bed
-the sunny, bright and cheery rooms
-my dog sleeping at my feet
-not being hooked up to monitors ad tethered to machines
-being able to use the bathroom
-choosing whatever foods I would like to eat

But I have still been confined to a bed during this time which is surprisingly difficult to withstand. So a month or two from now, when you are back up and about and feel like yourself again, don't forget to marvel at all the things you are now longing to do:

-go outside. Feel the sun on your face and the breeze in your hair. Take long exhales of all of that fresh air.
-exercise. Walk. Move your body. Stretch your legs and leave behind all the hip soreness from laying in bed all this time.
-take a long hot shower---standing up!! Pamper yourself so you feel good.
-take a bath. Soak and relax. Exhale.
-enjoy all the rooms of the house and the front porch. Enjoy the variety.
-eat sitting up. Who knew that could be such a luxury??
-do it yourself! Be able to get what you need without constantly feeling like a burden on someone else.
-laugh. A lot. Without it hurting.

Left it.

I am proud to say that I did a pretty good job of leaving the work at work. Just the necessities got done and I actually felt pretty calm and stress free for most of the weekend. The good 12 hours of sleep on Saturday night probably helped too :) So hooray for that!

Leave it there.

My goal for this long weekend is to leave the work at work. Sure- there are a couple of small items I need to do- send an e-mail, post a link, etc. That stuff is fine because it comes and goes fluidly through my mind. The work arrives, I do it, and it is done. The real goal is to not think about everything that has to happen on Tuesday before Tuesday. I have created a master list so that there is no chance of anything being forgotten, I have e-mailed the other players explicit instructions about what has to get done and when.

So now you have permission to let go for the weekend and know that when Tuesday comes everything will get done just the way it needs to. And there is nothing more you can do between now and then to ensure that, so why not enjoy each of the weekend days for whatever they bring instead of focusing on what's to come. There will be plenty of time to do that when you get there. Your challenge: to present yourself with the present.

Inundated.

So I've been pretty overwhelmed and busy at work lately which is why I haven't posted recently. But the fun thing is that amidst all of the work stress, I am noticing a growing sense of excitement. Excitement about this little one in my belly coming out into the world. As a couple of the nursery items come together, I am getting excited about everything that room will be and the hopes and dreams that will live there. And I get excited about being able to see this world anew through the eyes of someone who is seeing it all for the very first time. It's somehow like the chance for a fresh-start. And I'm all for fresh starts.

You are enough.

Just the way you are right now in this very moment.

CULTIVATING

Even after all this time,
the sun never says to the earth,
"You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights the whole sky.
~Hafiz~

SARKism

"Navigating change succulently means practicing flexibility"

Possibilities...

"Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free" (J.M)

Just a few possibilities that feel nice floating around in my mind right now:

Huntington Gardens
See Yes Man
Wear your superhero necklace
Buy flowers
Pinkberry in the afternoon
Eat something you want without thinking about it
Turn up the music
Do something fun with your hair
Stay in your pajamas for a day
Walk somewhere new
Sit on the front porch

Donuts and Doo-Dah

I found lots of reasons why this wasn't as much of an accomplishment as it could have been. But today, B pointed out that part of my pattern is not being able to see my accomplishments or feel proud of something I have done. And so today I want you to know that I am proud of you and that you are doing a good job. And sure- there will always be bigger and better challenges out there and there will always be more to do, but all you need to do in this very moment is take a step towards where you want to be. So it's okay that you discovered somewhat last minute that the Doo-Dah parade was actually on Sunday and not on Monday as you had originally thought. And after your initial reaction of oh well, it won't work now, you did offer up the possibility that you could enjoy your Sunday with donuts and the Doo-Dah parade and then do what you had planned for Sunday on Monday. And instead of thinking that was a cop-out, maybe it was just a solution to be able to celebrate the silliness of it and still feel good and productive at the end of it all.

Spontaneous Challenges.

In light of what felt like a very successful set of initial challenges, I am realizing that there might be a crutch in the process. I was trying to figure out what my next official challenge action would be so that I could start planning for it. But that's the problem- the planning! So my challenge action for this week is to spontaneously accept a challenge either when it is presented to me or right when I think about it. I challenge the challenge.

Challenge Action # 1: Complete!

The first official challenge action has been completed--- I went to the Rose Bowl flea market on Sunday morning. And I have to say, it was really nice to change up the normal routine. We got up without an alarm clock and then had banana waffles for breakfast- yum! And then we headed off to the flea market. It was a little overwhelming. So many vendors and so many things for sale. Definitely fun to see and experience although the day turned out to be a little hot for this pregnant lady. The frozen lemonade definitely helped though :)

That afternoon I still made it to the gym for my Sunday swim which was actually really good. I never realized how pretty the pool would be with all of that afternoon sunlight since I always swim in the morning (and it made it a little warmer too!). So all in all, very successful. The one thing I am preparing myself for is that thus far, I have still been able to squeeze in all of my otherwise planned activities even with the added events. While great, I just want to be sure that I don't get too dependent on only being able to do other things if I can still do the regularly scheduled items. So just be prepared, that may not always be the case and that's okay. It all adds up and will balance out in the wash. And if not, I mean really. So what?

Success.

Last night was great. Good conversation, lots of laughter and life. And although a little later than normal, I still managed to squeeze in my evening walk when I got home. Success! Today included an unexpected lunch out at M café. Good food and good atmosphere to see life literally bustling all around me (that life even including Natalie Portman and Sara Gilbert). And dinner and a show still to come tonight!

And so today I began thinking that maybe the thought that I was watching life happen around me was merely another part of my pattern. Perhaps that wasn't actually the case, but in not being more in touch with what was really happening and recognizing how I was feeling about things, that was just my default thought. It's encouraging somehow that it may not have been a truth all that time and could be as easy to change as a frame of mind. But I guess everything is really just a frame of mind in the end.

Multiplying.

Suddenly my challenge action jumped from one this week to three. I have to believe that this is a good sign that I am being more open to options and seeing the possibilities. My biggest concern is that I don't do too much too quickly and then retreat back to the same spot. So tonight it is dinner with a couple of friends, tomorrow night it is dinner and a friend's music performance and Sunday it's still a go for the Rose Bowl's flea market. Just take it one thing at a time- have fun and you will figure out everything else around it. You will.

Rude Awakening.

Last night after I finished writing my entry, I began to scroll down through old posts. As I re-read each successive post, I was awe-struck, embarrassed and then more determined than ever. I started this blog on September 1st, 2004… almost four and a half years ago. And it seems that the ever present reoccurring theme of posts is that I feel like I am watching life happen around me instead of truly experiencing it. And in a seemingly Groundhog Day kind of way, I unknowingly keep realizing that and writing about it. So the question becomes, what is different now that will help me truly break these patterns instead of being destined to repeat them?

Challenge actions: Specific actions or events that are outside of my normal scope of plans. Starting off slowly in hopes of keeping the process enjoyable, I plan on completing at least one challenge action a week for the next few weeks. I will then add another challenge every couple of weeks until hopefully they become constant options.

A Baby: I am currently six months pregnant and am constantly reminded by the growing being inside me that my routine is going to be shaken up in a way that I can’t possibly imagine. I will suddenly be on someone else’s schedule instead of my own and I can’t think of a better way to force change.

Need: After feeling this way for so long, I simply can’t continue to live like this. Success to be seen in happiness, smiles and “What has gotten into her?” comments by those around me.

Day 1.

I never thought it would be so difficult to get closer to the person I want to be. But for many reasons over many years, I have created a safety zone that is so tightly confined that any little step out of that box (even if it is a step in the direction I want to be going) is anxiety provoking. But I am determined to start living outside of that box no matter how hard it is. Because, really, what is the point of continuing to live within it? Continuing to live days that are already defined before I have even woken up in the morning. And so when I came across this picture and quote, it was a much needed reminder that no, it isn’t going to be easy. And each day may be just as challenging and anxiety provoking as the day before, but that each day is a chance. Each day is day 1. A fresh slate waiting to be defined. A new day waiting to be lived. An opportunity to start all over again in a world without boxes and routines and plans and schedules.

What are you going to do today?

The little things...

Most of the time, it is the little things that make me happy. And these socks and these shoes are absolutely making me happy today.

A new day.

Last night I had a dream that I was caught in water with waves higher and fiercer than you can imagine. My instinct was to fight the waves, but I quickly realized that in order to survive I actually had to allow myself to go with the flow of the waves. Sometimes this meant my head bobbing under and swallowing some water, but other times it meant riding forward with great momentum and ease. I awoke thinking that this couldn’t be a better metaphor for my life and the new year at hand. And so on this first day of January, I am resolving to not only be more open to ebbs and flows and spontaneity, but also to allow myself to engage in the world around me. The goal no longer being to navigate the road so well as to avoid any possible bumps or bruises, but to simply take things as they come. Some challenges will inevitably need to be navigated, but all the while there will be experiences. It will no longer feel as though I am watching things happen around me, as I will be too busy participating to notice. When I was younger, I loved the expression, “Enlarge. Enliven. Enlighten.” And so this year, I vow not only to do just that, but most importantly to ENGAGE. As a part of this engagement I would like to try to incorporate the following things:

*Enjoy more spaces in the new house. Especially my nook, the front porch and the outside in general.
*Let each day have choices instead of just routines.
*Notice and think about how I am feeling and why.
*Read more. Write more. Allow yourself to engage in these activities and see what happens.
*Savor the possibility of anything.
*Allow those around me to live their lives the way they want to- even if it isn’t how I would do it.
*Let go.

Freedom!

What I plan to do with all of my February Freedom:

*Spend a week with Amber in Austin…giggling, walking, talking, exploring and playing.

*Get to the Monday night Cardio Hip Hop class at the LAAC : 7:30-8:30 pm.

*Take advantage of the free consultation with a trainer at the LAAC for a fitness assessment.

*Get back to the African Dance class at The Heartbeat House- Wednesday nights at 7:30pm.

*Try the Cardio Soul dance class at The Heartbeat House- Wednesdays at 9am or Sundays at 2pm.

*Take a hip-hop class at The Edge.

*Continue with the gymnastics classes at Gymnastics Olympica.

*Go on dates with my husband.

*Start writing again.

*Read more.

*Live a little.

Mondo Beyondo- Pt. 2

My Mondo Beyondo List for 2008

*I want to let the music move me more often. Hip hop classes, personal dance parties, weekend club dancing.

*I want to give my body good whole nutrition and vitamins to allow me to do all the movement I want to do with all of the energy I need. I give myself permission to feel full and not sick. To give my body what it needs and also what it wants.

*And I want to EXPERIENCE life. I want to feel it all. The good and the bad. The ups and the downs. I want to make decisions on the fly. I want to follow my heart and be true to myself and not worry about what anyone else will say about my choices. I want to bring the funny back into my life. I want to make people wonder what’s gotten into me. I want to feel alive.

*And in true mondo beyondo fashion, the truly beyond my world things that I am eliciting for myself this year are reckless abandon, adventure, and dancing, singing and acting professionally.

Mondo Beyondo.

It's time for a new year. And that means it's time for Mondo Beyondo.

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)

In 2007, I created a marriage. After several months of anxiety, and confusion over whether or not I could commit and how I truly felt about marriage as an institution, I took the leap of faith. I am proud that I actually enjoyed my wedding weekend instead of worrying too much about the details and about what everyone else was thinking and doing. And I am proud that at the end of the year, I followed my heart, and told my boss I couldn’t continue in my current job because it wasn’t making me feel alive. I am proud that I am challenging the comfort and the security of the routine.

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?
(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)

I am disappointed that a large part of 2007 was spent battling instead of celebrating myself. I forgive myself for not envisioning my relationship and/or my marriage in the way some other people do. I forgive myself for trying to make myself fit that mold and for thinking something was wrong when I didn’t.


3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?
The final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to come. What is your primary intention or theme for 2008? Is "2008 is my year of...."

2008 is my year of LIVING. I can no longer accept feeling like I am watching life happen all around me. I want to be a part of it. I want to explore, adventure, have fun and play with reckless abandon. I want to stop being so responsible and worrying about the consequences. Just do what feels right in the moment and worry about what comes next once you get there.

One and done.

I love the feeling of relief. Time to let it all go.

Just Two...

I love having something to look forward to. I can't wait to get out of town and play in the snow and relax and not worry about money or a job or decisions. Almost there!

My lucky number.

I love presents. Especially really good presents like the ones I got yesterday! :)

Four.

I love alone time. It’s like visiting a special place with no rules. A place where you don’t have to listen to anyone but yourself and you can do exactly what you want to do the way you want to do it without worrying about what other people think and without needing to justify any how’s or why’s.

5.

I love my best friend Amber, because she always knows exactly what to say.

"look
i remember when you had more dreams than hours in the day
you were all write this and act that
and dog this and vet school that
and all sorts of really fun new ideas
and then what you got handed was producing
not acting or writing
and we take what we are handed because it is easy
but when we take what we are handed we stop thinking about what we really want
but i am here to remind you that although quitting your job is utterly horrifying,
staying at it will kill you
you deserve more than a sense of security
you deserve to be happy"

Six.

The truth of the matter is that...well...I love...diet coke. There, I said it. And no, love is not too strong of a word.

SEVEN.

I love to be happy. I just need to find out how to get back to that place.

Eight.

I love to be pleasantly surprised.

Single Digits.

I love the promise of waking up tomorrow and starting over.

Ten.

I love my dad.

1 and 1.

I love security. Emotional, physical, financial...you name it.

Twelve.

I love relaxation techniques that actually work. Last night, for me, that included stretching, sipping hibiscus tea and listening to The Darjeeling Limited Soundtrack. Exhale.

Lucky number

I love to be good at what I do.

T

I love to feel excited about something. Anything. Tomorrow is my first gymnastics lesson in about 23 years. I can't wait to try all of those things I remember loving as a kid and moving my body in new ways. When I got the phone call yesterday to confirm the lesson (it wasn't easy finding a place willing to teach an adult gymnastics!) I was so giddy with excitement that I squealed. It felt so great to feel that anticipation bubbling up inside. That is definitely a feeling that I need to find a way to elicit again as often as possible.

Fifteen?

I love to cross things off my to-do list.

Still Life.

I love to solve problems.

Oh 17...

I love long leisurely un-rushed mornings...i.e. not today.

18.

I love being able to bring my dog to work. It never hurts to have an extra reminder to smile around and it's hard for things to get too heated when there is a wagging tail in the room.

Less than twenty...

I love to be efficient. So efficient that it surprises and awes people.

I love possibilities.

21.

I like being funny and making people laugh.

Twenty-two...

I love to feel fit and strong and agile. Just something about it that makes me feel in touch with my body and aware of what is happening in every inch. The human body really is an amazing thing.

Oh 23...

Have I mentioned how much I love animals? If there is one thing that can always make me smile...it probably can't talk :)

24.

I love cake. mmm...cake...

Still has to be 25.

I love to laugh. Like a good hard belly laugh. An 'I might not be able to stop' kind of laugh. A 'you're laughing too loud!' kind of a laugh. I need to find a way to experience this kind of laughter on a much more regular basis.

26 Days...

I can see 26. Can you?
#26: I Like to inspire people.
(bizarre that I'm the only one it's tough to inspire.)

Feeling a little off today.

But in keeping with my promise to list one thing every day that I love, well, I love to sing.

#28

The first ones on the list are always the easiest because those are the ones you already know. So the easy answer for today is that I like to dance and dancing makes me happy. Now get ready for a few days down the road when you actually have to think about this!

2 to the 9.

All of this counting down allows me to focus rather constantly on the present and the 29 days that are right in front of me. And I think in some ways that is a cop out. Because it is easy to think about what already is. I think that is what is referred to as dwelling. It's much harder to think about the future and figuring out what it really is that makes me happy in this world. Because that requires decisions, and change and inevitably mistakes. So, time to face the facts and each day recognize one thing that makes me happy or that I want to explore. And today's one thing is MUSIC.

30 days to say yes instead of no.
30 days to look at things in a different light.
30 days to realize that life
isn't about a countdown.

Monday, Monday.

Why is change so scary? It is truly shocking to me as I am counting down the number of work days left, that when I stop and think of the changes to come, I start to reconsider. Maybe this isn't so bad. Maybe nothing else will ever be better. Maybe I shouldn't leave. Maybe I will regret leaving. It is going to be work to figure out a new city and a new job and new people. But maybe, just maybe, all this newness and work will be just what I need to make me feel alive again. Because getting up every day and knowing exactly what it holds for you just isn't much fun. and i definitely am in need of more fun.

32 days...

Seems like forever.

Double 3's.

The countdown to change

t minus...

Swap this.

Something to Smile About.

Somehow, after all of that, the year is almost over. And as much as I want to despair and revel in the fact that not much has changed and I am still just going through the motions, that simply cannot be true. No. This has been a year of change. Some of it subtle, some glaringly obvious. It has been a year of thought and inner excavation and while a lot of changes have not yet happened, they are in motion. I can feel it. I can feel that I will no longer be okay just thinking about all of the things that would be fun to do, but just don't make sense. I can feel that maybe the most logical decision isn't the best. And I can feel that maybe it is time to just have some fun and let go. Maybe it is okay that a decision I make right now won't be the right one in the future. Because when I get to the future and discover that I will have a chance to make another decision to change courses all over again. So enjoy the moment. Worry a little less. Smile a little more. And take a chance. And then another. What else is there?

World Spins Madly On.

Woke up and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. I thought of you and where you'd gone, and let the world spin madly on. Everything that I said I'd do, like make the world brand new, and take the time for you. I just got lost and slept right through the dawn, and the world spins madly on. I let the day go by. I always say goodbye. I watch the stars from my window sill. The whole world is moving and I'm standing still. Woke up and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. The night is here and the day is gone, and the world spins madly on. I thought of you and where you'd gone, and the world spins madly on.

A reminder.

looking forward to looking back.

at some point, i stopped living my life based upon how i felt
and started living it on a schedule
i'm not sure when it happened.
and i can't remember the last time i did something just because
i felt like it.

and now i am trying to fight my way back
into my own conciousness.
to question how i feel about things
and ask the why's and the how's and the where's
and then do what i feel.

not because it is the way to save money
or the way to save time
or what i should be doing
or what makes the most sense
but because i can.

Orange Friday.

Don't call me trash.

Thursday Brown....

Because things aren't always what they seem.

Green, green...

Is the sweetest color I've ever seen.

Red, White and BLUE

Happy 4th of July!